


One Night With You

by scarylolita



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Dark Past, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 16:42:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4794767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarylolita/pseuds/scarylolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke realizes years too late that he could have had everything he wanted. If only he had the courage to say three little words. SasuNaru, post 700.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Night With You

Sarada Uchiha tip toes down the hallway when she hears her father come home. It's late now, long past midnight. Her mother has gone to bed, but Sarada stayed up. She always does. She finds it hard to sleep when her father is gone. When she peeks around the corner, she sees him standing in the living room in front of the fire place. She can tell he's drunk by the way his body sways every so often. For a few minutes, she watches in heartbroken silence. Then she hears it – a soft sob. She finds it strange seeing her father cry. He's usually so stony-eyed. She never thought him capable of tears. He's always so strong. That is how she's used to seeing him – strong, quiet, and so stern. But he's gone so often and when he's home he never seems truly happy.

"Papa?" her voice comes out weak. He turns around and the look on his face hurts her even more.

Surprised to see his daughter hovering, Sasuke briskly wipes his eyes. He once again turns around to face the fire, unable to maintain eye contact. "Why are you awake this time of night, Sarada?" he asks, his voice cold as ever.

"I was waiting for you to return," she admits quietly. "Are you going to run away? I heard Mama talking to Ino and she is sometimes scared you'll run away. She said you did it before when you were young. Are you going to do it again?"

Sasuke exhales. "No," he promises. "Go back to bed. I'm not going anywhere."

She doesn't. Instead, she takes tentative steps forward and hugs her father from behind, locking her arms around his stomach. "Why are you sad?" she pries meekly.

Sasuke would like to deny it and stay strong for his daughter's sake, but he can't lie. Not to her. So, instead, he remains silent. He can't tell the truth either. To tell the truth would be an even bigger betrayal than to lie. When she lets go, he turns around, kneeling so they're face-to-face.

Sarada takes in her father's glassy eyes and flushed face. It's a look she never imagined she'd ever see on her father's face and she hates it.

Sasuke puts his hand on his daughter's shoulder. "I'm sorry I'm gone a lot," he tells her sincerely, "but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. You know that, right?"

She can smell the alcohol on his breath, but for some reason she isn't angry. "Yeah," she whispers, sniffling.

He gives her a solemn look before putting his arm around her and drawing her close. "I've upset you," he starts gently, "and for that I'm sorry, too." Sarada presses her face into Sasuke's shoulder. She's shaking, trying not to cry but it's difficult. She feels too much and all of it is painful. "Sh, it's okay," Sasuke says soothingly, rubbing Sarada's back.

For many long minutes they stay like that. When they finally part, Sasuke kills the fire.

"Goodnight," Sarada says softly.

"Goodnight," Sasuke echoes, giving her a soft smile. When she's gone, it falters. He lets out a breath before walking back down the hallway and into the room he shares with Sakura.

He's an absent father and an absent husband. He knows that. He could be doing so much better. Tonight was another night spent drinking, but this time he spent it alone. Usually he is joined by Kakashi, who always monitors his intake. Sasuke knows it's a bad habit to fall into, but he can't seem to stop. 'I'm worse than Tsunade,' he thinks to himself. He takes off his shirt and pants before getting in bed. As always, Sakura shifts closer to him.

"Mm… Sasuke?" she asks groggily. She's such a light sleeper.

"Yeah," he whispers, putting his arm around her. "Just me. Go back to sleep."

He can do this. He's been doing it for a long time. He plays the loving husband when he's home and he does it so easily. Perhaps it comes naturally because he sincerely does love Sakura. It's just a different kind of love than the love he feels for Naruto.

Come morning, Sasuke wakes up late. He is hung over, but he tries to ignore the pain as he gets out of bed. By now, it's past noon. He's alone in the room, but he can hear the voices of Sakura and Sarada coming from the kitchen. He puts a pair of comfortable pants on before following the sounds of the voices, simultaneously trying not to recall the previous night's events. There are responsibilities he can't keep running away from. For Sarada and Sakura both, he would like to be better but there are times when it gets hard. There are times when he is alone and it's quiet. He is forced to think about the things he prefers to keep buried. Naruto will cross his mind. He'll grow green with silent envy when he thinks of Hinata and their two children. He knows it's not right. Naruto was never his, but Sasuke will always be Naruto's. The blond has a firm and unknowing grasp on his heart. It has been that way since they were children – long before they shared their accidental first kiss. In ways, Sasuke knows Naruto will always be the only one who will ever truly understand him.

Shaking away the thoughts once more, he enters the kitchen – smile in place. "Hello," he says.

Sakura greets him with a tight smile of her own. "Good afternoon, Sasuke."

"How was school?" he asks Sarada.

"Boring," she says with a dull sigh.

Sasuke moves towards the fridge and gets himself a glass of water, sipping it slowly and hoping his hangover will begin to melt away.

"Will you be leaving again?" Sakura asks her husband.

"I'll be accompanying the Hokage on his trip to see the Kazekage," Sasuke tells her. "We won't be gone long. Three nights at the most."

"You can call him Naruto, you know," Sakura says with a laugh. "You always do that… You call him by his title rather than his name. It creates distance. I'm sure Naruto doesn't appreciate it."

"Bolt says he hates his father," Sarada cuts in before Sasuke can respond.

"Oh, come now," Sakura tries to reason. "I don't think he means that."

"He does," Sarada insists with a snort.

"Well," Sasuke starts thoughtfully, "Naruto is a busy man. He's the Hokage, after all. As harsh as it may sound, there are times when the collectivity of the village weighs importance over the individuality of his children."

Naruto has grown uptight as the years passed. Sasuke almost misses the blatant idiocy. He wonders if it's maturity or something else entirely. Naruto doesn't smile as much. He doesn't laugh or joke, either. Sasuke can't help but think it's sad that Naruto has grown up so much. He's only twenty-six, but he seems to have lost his sense of humor entirely – something the blond once prided himself on. Now all he does is scold his child for acting the exact same way he did when he was that age. To Sasuke, the saddest part of all is that Bolt is acting out because he feels neglected – just as Naruto was. Naruto can easily soothe his son in a way he was never soothed. He could give the boy just a tiny bit more attention, just a tiny bit more praise… but he doesn't. Maybe he doesn't see that he's only repeating old mistakes. Perhaps history is just doomed to repeat itself no matter what.

"Like you, the Hokage is always busy," Sarada murmurs, "but Bolt is a troublemaker… always playing pranks. I hate that about him."

Sasuke exchanges a small smile with Sakura. "I used to feel that way about Naruto when we were children," he admits. "So did you mother and most others. Naruto's pranks were a cry for attention because he grew up by himself."

"I know," Sarada murmurs. "Everyone knows that story, Papa."

"All I'm saying is…" he continues, "that I'm sure Bolt just wants his father to acknowledge him. I'm sure it would be difficult having a father with such great responsibilities. Be sympathetic, okay? Naruto matured. I'm sure his son will, too."

"Fine," Sarada says with a sigh.

"Want me to make you something to eat?" Sakura offers.

"No, thank you," Sasuke says curtly, finishing the glass of water. "I'm going to take a quick shower and get dressed."

Sakura nods, watching as he leaves the room. When he's far enough away, Sarada decides to confess. "Mama?"

"Yes, dear?"

"I saw Papa cry last night," she reveals.

Sakura pauses. "What?" she asks in a whisper.

The girl looks guilty and saddened at the same time. "I'm sorry, Mama," she whispers. "I don't know why he's so unhappy…"

Sakura softens, moving forward to hug her daughter. "It's not your fault, sweetheart. I'll talk to him about it." But she knows there's little point to it. Even now, after all that they've shared together, Sasuke is so far away.

***

Down the hall, Sasuke waits for the water to get hot. He undresses and stares at himself in the mirror critically. He lets out a sigh, rubbing his cheeks. He could use a shave, but he'll go another few days without. He never paid much mind to the way he looks. He's never been insecure. He's never worried about the way people see him.

But then he lost an arm. It's been a great inconvenience. For a long time, it was difficult to get used to. He can manage now, though there are things he still has trouble with. Unlike Naruto, he was never able to get a fancy new joint foraged for him. He never complained. Deep down, he knew he didn't deserve to have things made so easy for him. He was selfish for too long. Naruto was anything but.

When the water is just the right temperature, he steps inside and begins washing off. He does so quickly and when he pulls back the shower curtains, he sees Sakura standing in the doorway of the bathroom. He tenses momentarily, reaching for a towel. "What is it?" he asks her.

She softens, helping him wrap the towel around his waist. "Sasuke… Sarada told me she found you crying last night. Why? You never cry."

Sasuke lets out a sharp laugh. "Well, shit," he says. "I guess I'm caught."

Sakura gives him a piteous look. "Why, Sasuke?" she asks pleadingly. "I… I do everything I can for you, but you're still so far away. You never talk to me. You keep your feelings inside. We're married, Sasuke. We should be able to talk about these things. You should feel comfortable around me. You should be able to open up and tell me what's on your mind. You should be able to come to me when you are crying instead of hiding away and drinking yourself sick! It needs to stop, Sasuke… It needs to stop."

Sasuke's guilt is weighing him down. "I know," he agrees hoarsely. "I probably stressed Sarada out. No little girl wants to see her father the way Sarada saw me."

"It's not that, Sasuke," Sakura whispers. "You still don't understand… Right now, this isn't about us. It's about you. You're hurting and you won't tell us why. That's a problem. The distance between us is only growing. Everyone senses it. You're always gone and when you're not, you busy yourself or you drink. Why? I need you to say it."

But Sasuke can't. He lets out a shuddery sigh, trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. "I'm sorry, Sakura," he apologizes. "I'll try to be better."

Sakura frowns, cautiously gaging his reaction. His mask is slipping and she can see it clearly. Instead of trying to force answers out of him again, she throws her arms around his bare, damp shoulders.

"Sakura, come on," he says, feeling trapped. He tries to push her away, but her grip is iron and he doesn't want to hurt her. "Sakura, don't do this…" his voice breaks. "Please…"

She doesn't budge. "Look," she starts softly, "I know you're unhappy. I don't know why. I know that it probably has nothing to do with me. Still, I love you and I'd like to ease you in whatever way I can… but that's silly of me, isn't it? I know you'd never let me. You're always too far away. Even when we're like this, you're far away. Even when you're inside of me, you're far away. You never look at me. You look right past me. I can't help but wonder if you're thinking of somebody else when we sleep together. Maybe these are things I've needed to say for a long time, but I just held it in. I kept the house tidy and free of messes in an attempt to compensate because my life was anything but. Stupid of me, isn't it? Stupid, annoying, weak Sakura…"

Sasuke closes his eyes. "I was cruel," he whispers. "I humiliated and degraded you and I never made up for it. I made you cry so many times. I didn't care. I was selfish. Maybe I still am."

"You're not…" she murmurs. "You've changed in ways, but you can't help the way you feel… and I know for a long time I've pretended things were fine, but they've never been fine. Do you love me? Sometimes I doubt it."

"I do," Sasuke says. He feels like he's suffocating. "I do love you… I do…"

"You say it…" she says with a sad chuckle, "but I don't feel it…"

Sasuke is overcome with even more guilt about his past and grief about the potential of what could have been. He lets out a laugh that sounds like a sob before completely unravelling. He sinks to his knees, pushing his face into Sakura's abdomen, grabbing the material of her apron. Sakura stares down at the top of his head piteously. She runs her hands through his thick, dark hair and doesn't say another word.

No matter how hard Sasuke wants to dull the ache in his chest, he can't. It's something he has to live with. It's too late for regret, but he feels so much of it. He feels like the dam he put up in his head broke down with last night's final glass of alcohol. He overdid it and he's paying for it.

***

Sarada sits in the kitchen silently with her palms covering her ears. She doesn't want to hear the sounds of misery coming from down the hall, but she can't drown them out. More than anything, she doesn't understand.

With a sigh, she stands and leaves. She runs down the street and towards the center of town, knocking on a familiar door. When it opens, Hinata is standing there. "Hello, Sarada," she greets with a smile, letting the little girl inside. "Where are your parents today?"

"Papa is having a problem and Mama is helping him," Sarada says vaguely, stepping inside.

Hinata nods slowly, deciding not to pry. "Himawari and Bolt are playing in the living room," she explains, walking Sarada down the hallway. When they enter, Sarada sees them playing a board game. Naruto is sitting on the sofa watching them. She's surprised to see him home. He usually spends his days in his office at the administration building.

Hinata sits down with her husband, who throws an arm around her and smiles before greeting Sarada. "Hey, kiddo," he says. "Where's your Mom and Dad today?"

"Mama is helping Papa with something," she says. "I didn't want to be there. I got bored."

"Well, Sasuke will be stopping by later to come get me," Naruto says. "We can walk you back home then."

Sarada simply nods.

"Come play with us!" Himawari invites happily.

"Yeah!" Bolt exclaims. "There's always room for one more!"

Sarada sits down with them as they set up for a new game. She always feels at ease when she's here, unlike in her own home. As they ready the game pieces, Sarada watches Naruto and Hinata interact with a sour look on her face. They're so loving and affectionate. She can't help but compare them to her own parents. She's never seen them kiss on the mouth. They barely even hug. She hears Ino badmouthing Sasuke frequently. "Sakura, you had a lot going for you!" the blonde will start her angry tirade. "And you tossed it all away to settle down and play housewife for a guy who treated you like garbage your entire life! Are you sure this is what you wanted?" Sarada doesn't want to believe it's true, but she's ever heard her mother deny the harsh words.

***

When Sasuke finally collects himself, he follows Sakura into their bedroom. She gets him a change of clothes and he gets dressed. Once modest, he packs a bag.

He doesn't feel even a hint of relief after his break down. Instead, he feels worse. He feels embarrassed and shameful. In all their years of marriage, it's the first time he's allowed Sakura to see him in such a state.

"Sarada probably left by now," Sakura mentions.

"She'll be at the Hokage's," Sasuke says knowingly. "She always is. We should bring her home."

"Naruto!" Sakura exclaims with a frustrated sigh. "You can say his name, you know. It's not poisonous, Sasuke."

He doesn't respond. When he's ready, the two of them leave. Outside, Sasuke stares up at the Hokage monument. He sees Kakashi and right next to him – Naruto. Sasuke would do anything to get a taste of the parts of Naruto only Hinata gets to touch.

As they walk through town, Sakura reaches for Sasuke's hand, holding it in hers. When they reach the Hokage's home, she rings the buzzer and they allow themselves in. They follow the sounds of happy, chattering voices in the living room.

"Sasuke." Naruto smies upon their arrival. "Sakura."

Sasuke holds up a hand while Sakura greets everyone with a, "Hello."

"We've come for our daughter," Sasuke adds. "Hopefully she wasn't any trouble."

"Papa," Sarada whines.

"She never is," Hinata promises with a melodic laugh. "Will you be leaving soon?"

"Yeah," Naruto says, "but we'll only be gone for a few days at the most."

"Who will be assisting you?" she asks.

"Don't worry," Naruto says with a wink. "Sasuke will keep me safe."

Hinata chuckles at that. "I don't doubt it."

"Sakura, why don't you stay here for a little while?" Naruto invites.

"Yeah," Hinata adds with a smile. "I know Bolt and Himawari like Sarada's company."

Sakura returns the smile with one of her own. "Okay," she agrees.

Naruto stands up alongside Hinata. "I guess we should head out, then," Naruto says, shooting Sasuke a look.

"I guess so," the brunet agrees.

Sakura lets go of his hand and begins to move into the room, but Sasuke stops her. He puts a hand on her shoulder and she turns around. "Sakura," he says her name. "Thank you for today."

She offers him the slightest of smiles. "You don't need to thank me, Sasuke. I'm your wife."

Sasuke kisses her forehead. "Still," he says once drawing back.

"Sarada," Sakura calls her daughter. "Come say goodbye to your father. You won't see him for a few days."

Sarada grumbles to herself, rising to her feet and walking across the room. When she's standing in front of Sasuke, she wraps her arms around him. She doesn't want to ever let go. She wants him to stay in Konoha like Sakura does, but he won't. It's like he thrives on the potential of leaving and staying is almost painful. She feels him kiss the top of her head and she draws away. "Bye, Papa," she says.

From the other end of the room, Naruto watches them from the corner of his eyes with mild curiosity and a strange, melancholy feeling. Still, he keeps his mouth shut. He and Hinata move towards the Uchihas and they all gather near the lobby. "See you in a few days," Naruto says to his family. He points to Bolt and adds, "Don't give your mother a hard time."

Bolt wrinkles his nose at his father's warning, crossing his arms and giving a stiff upper lip. Himawari jumps forward and hugs her father, who swings her around in a circle. She giggles. When Naruto puts her down he plants one on Hinata, giving her a very passionate kiss.

"Bye, then!" He waves, swinging an overnight bag over his shoulder.

After farewells are said, Naruto and Sasuke leave. It's still bright outside, so they have a head start on the night.

"Should the Hokage really be doing on such a long trip with just me to back him up?" Sasuke asks as they begin walking down the street. "What if we run into trouble?"

Naruto lets out a chuckle. "Won't happen," he says surely. "How many times have we done this trip together?"

"Quite a few," Sasuke admits.

"I like that I can bring you on trips like this," Naruto tells him. "I like that we can have some time together amidst all the business."

"Isn't this business?" Sasuke asks. "You're going to see the Kazekage."

"Maybe," Naruto considers, "but it's also pleasure. I like spending time with you like this. It's relaxing."

Sasuke simply nods.

"If the war was still happening, there's no way I would be able to step outside without backup," Naruto continues, staring up at the clear, blue sky. "Every day I'm thankful it ended before there was more death and destruction… but at the same time, I wish I was the only one who had been hurt. These are such peaceful times in comparison."

"Thanks to you," Sasuke adds.

Naruto glances at him, flashing a smile. "You helped. Everyone helped."

Sasuke offers him a faint smile in return.

"It's funny," Naruto murmurs offhandedly. "Everything changed on my birthday. I kicked your ass and you finally came home. I think that was honestly the best birthday present I could've imagined."

Sasuke softens. Naruto is always so sentimental. He never knows what to say when the blond makes these kinds of confession… but it eases Sasuke in ways he can't explain.

"I know you hate it when I say stuff like that," Naruto says with a chuckle, looking like he's trying to read Sasuke's expression, "but you know me… I need to let everything out."

"I don't hate it," Sasuke promises. "I just never know how to react. I'm not like you. I never have been. I still keep things in, even now."

"Sometimes I think about us," Naruto sighs. "Until I became Hokage, there wasn't an orphanage in Konoha. That was one of my first goals. As children, we were alone. We were forced to take care of ourselves and of course, we didn't know how. I never belonged to anyone. A stranger raised me because she had to and as soon as I could walk, she left me alone. People would come and check on me just to make sure I was alive, but they didn't truly care. I'd eat stale bread and drink sour milk because shop keepers wouldn't sell to me. I got sick a lot. I got kicked and called a monster. But then there was you. I felt like I had something in common with you, even though it was something tragic. Like me, you were alone. You were forced to live by yourself in the place where you saw your family massacred. I think about these things… and I have to try to keep myself calm. How could they do that to children?"

"I know," Sasuke agrees quietly. "But you were stronger than I was. You were hated and I was revered. Of all the shit we saw and had done to us… we both went completely different ways. You had more people to forgive than I did, but you did it so effortlessly. I couldn't. I… I snapped. Then there was role reversal. I was hated and you were revered."

"It's understandable," Naruto says. "What you went through was a lot different than what I went through. What you saw… I can't imagine it. I can understand why you went rogue."

Sasuke forces a sardonic smile. There are times he still feels bitter about his childhood, but he tries to be strong in the ways Naruto taught him. He wants Sarada to grow up differently than he did. No matter what, he'll try to ensure her many safe years.

***

After a long journey, they finally arrive in Sunagakure. They are greeted by the Kazekage's men, who lead them into the center of the city. When they arrive to the familiar building, Gaara is waiting in the doorway. Naruto doesn't hesitate to give him a hug. Gaara returns the gesture, though with less enthusiasm.

"Are you okay here?" Sasuke asks Naruto.

"Yeah, you're not going to stick around?" He frowns in response.

"Nah, I'm going to head to the bar," Sasuke murmurs.

"Oh… I'll find you later on," Naruto says.

Sasuke simply nods, waving him off and walking away. He should be tired by now, but he's not. He's chock full of soldier pills and they're keeping him alert… but soon enough, he'll be drunk and the alcohol will dull his senses. He almost welcomes it. He likes the feeling liquor brings him.

When he reaches the bar, he takes a seat and orders a bottle of sake for himself. He knows he probably looks sad and lonely, but he tries not to care. 'I really am turning into Tsunade,' he thinks with a slight smile. The barman chatters lightly with him and Sasuke chats back openly once a few glasses hit the table.

"Here on business?" the barman asks.

"Yeah, I'm escort to the Leaf village's Hokage," Sasuke says.

"Ah!" the man exclaims. "Are you the infamous Sasuke Uchiha?"

"I am," Sasuke says. He's used to this – people knowing his name. His name, like Naruto's, is known throughout the ninja world… but he still has a negative stigma attached to his while Naruto remains the true hero. Sasuke doesn't mind it. He already knows it's true. Naruto is the real hero. He's stronger than Sasuke. He always has been. And Sasuke isn't necessarily talking about his brute, physical strength. There's more to being strong than how hard you can hit. Sasuke understands that now, too. He never used to. For him, strength was the power you had to take what was yours. For Naruto, strength always meant something much different.

Sasuke saw Naruto as his weakness. Naruto saw Sasuke as his strength. This is yet another way the two men once differed so greatly.

"They say you're the Hokage's favorite," the barman notes. "You helped win that war years back."

Sasuke smiles faintly. "That was all Naruto. I was still a callous brat, but he changed me that day."

The man smiles in return. "I hear he does that to a lot of people… Sounds like a superpower, huh?"

"Yeah," Sasuke chuckles. "The power to change people's hearts… He did it by beating the shit out of me." Somehow, Sasuke feels lighter whilst talking about the blond, but in other ways he feels so much heavier. They're not all pleasant memories. In fact, some might say the bad outweighs the good… but Sasuke accepts them as they are. It's all he can do.

***

When Naruto finds Sasuke, the brunet looks like he overdid it. Naruto greets the bartender with a smile and announces that he'll be taking his friend back. He pays the bar tab while he's at it. "Here," he says to Sasuke. "Put your arm around me and I'll walk us back."

Sasuke grunts a noncommittal response, throwing an arm around the blond in an attempt to steady himself. Naruto puts a hand on Sasuke's waist and they leave.

"You're still doing this…" Naruto murmurs. He was sure Sasuke had stopped. He knows how much Sakura hates it when he drinks. She used to tell him stories where Sasuke would stumble home drunk past midnight, but those stories soon stopped. Naruto assumed it was because Sasuke stopped drinking, but clearly not. Perhaps Sakura simply gave up. Sasuke is stubborn and silent. It doesn't take much to see his relationship with his wife is terse.

"Don't chastise me…" Sasuke slurs.

"I'm allowed to," Naruto says. "You shouldn't be doing shit like this when we're away. Hell, you shouldn't be doing shit like this ever."

"Are you maaad?" Sasuke asks with a slight mock in his tone.

"No," Naruto says and it's true. He's not mad. Instead, he just feels solemn. "How do you feel? Sick?"

"No," Sasuke admits. "Dizzy…"

"You're going to feel rough in the morning," Naruto warns him. "Stay in my room tonight. I don't want you drowning in your own vomit."

Sasuke clicks his tongue at the utter indignity of it. "I won't."

"You might," Naruto teases lightly, a small smirk on his face.

Instead of parting ways like they usually do, Naruto walks Sasuke into his room. It's a large open space with a single futon lying in the center. Naruto debates with himself whether or not to move across the hall and grab Sasuke's from his room, but he decides against it. It's fine if they share, right? They're friends, after all.

When they're inside, Naruto lets go of Sasuke and closes the door. The brunet leans against the wall, staring at Naruto with an unreadable expression.

"What is it?" Naruto asks, tilting his head to the side. Sasuke raises his arm and links it around Naruto. The blond raises an eyebrow at him, but he doesn't back away. "Sasuke…?"

Maybe it's the alcohol giving him blind courage, but Sasuke leans forward and tries not to think about the consequences of his actions. His mouth is pressed firmly against Naruto's for the first time since they were twelve years old. What surprises him more… Naruto doesn't push him away. For a short moment, the two of them stay like that. When he draws back, he stares at Naruto's flushed face.

"What was that for?" the blond whispers, pressing the back of his hands to his lips.

"I've wanted to do that since I met you," Sasuke murmurs the confession.

Naruto swallows and Sasuke watches his throat constrict. "Well… Why didn't you?"

"Everyone would have found it strange," Sasuke says. "I thought you would have, too."

"As a kid, I talked a lot of shit," Naruto admits quietly. "I didn't mean any of it… I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad about yourself."

"S'fine," Sasuke mutters.

Naruto softens. He can't help but recall the amount of times he called Sasuke out on his pretty looks, making jokes about Sasuke-chan. He remembers when Konohamaru's latest sexy jutsu included Sai and Sasuke having sex with each other. He got so angry and so confused.

"It's not unnatural," he offers hoarsely. "And maybe that doesn't mean a damn thing coming from my mouth all these years later, after countless taunts… but I don't find it wrong. Feelings like this can't be controlled."

Sasuke lets out a bitter laugh, touching his forehead against Naruto's. "That didn't stop me from trying so damn hard… I insulted you just as much, calling you stupid and trying to overwrite the way I feel. It never worked."

Naruto can smell the alcohol on his breath. "Is this why you drink?" he asks. "Because of me?" Sasuke dismisses the question. Instead, he leans forward again. Naruto watches Sasuke's eyes close before doing the same. He gets lost in it, parting his lips. He tastes like sake. It's not a taste he wants to get used to. He pulls away and takes a step back only to have Sasuke draw him near again. "Sasuke, wait!" he snaps. "Stop!" He grabs Sasuke's wrist, forcing him to stay still. "We're not going to do that," he says before softening. "Not like this…"

"Like this…?" Sasuke slurs in question.

"Ask me tomorrow," Naruto says. "If you still feel this way… If you can say it when you're sober…" he trails off, knowing Sasuke will understand what he means. He takes his robe off and gets in the futon. "Come on, just get in bed."

Sasuke hovers for a moment before obeying. Naruto turns to his side and Sasuke stares at his back. "Can I…" he trails off and sighs. "No… Nevermind."

"Sasuke," Naruto whispers. "Just… Just shut up and put your arm around me."

Sasuke lets out a breath, shifting closer and putting his arm around the blond. Maybe they're playing with fire, but it feels right. And maybe this is the way it always should have been… but it's too late now. They both have families. They both have responsibilities. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Sometimes you never end up with the one you love. Sometimes you're not supposed to. Other things take priority. People settle.

Naruto feels his eyes growing wet with sadness for Sasuke. He can't help but wonder what would have happened if Sasuke got the words out years earlier. Would Sasuke be happy? Would Naruto be happy?

"Next time you kiss me…" Naruto adds quietly, "I don't want to taste liquor on your tongue."

***

In the morning, Naruto wakes up alone. He sits up, frowning. "Sasuke…?" he calls, only to be greeted with the sounds of vomiting. With a sigh, he rises to his feet and pulls open the bathroom door. What greets him is not a dignified sight. Sasuke is on the floor, hunched over a toilet bowl. Naruto can't help pity from showing in his eyes. He stands behind Sasuke and moves the hair out of his face, not saying a damn word.

After a few more minutes, Sasuke reaches a hand up and flushes the evidence of his hangover away. Naruto hands him a tissue and he wipes his mouth off before standing. "Sorry," the brunet apologizes.

Naruto only shakes his head. "Don't. Only apologize if you plan on making a change. I don't think you're ready for that yet, are you?" Sasuke doesn't respond. "Don't get drunk tonight," Naruto warns him. "We have a long trip back home tomorrow morning."

"I won't," Sasuke promises in a mutter.

Naruto pats him on the back lightly. "Take it easy for now. Grab yourself a glass of water and sip on it. I'll be with Gaara."

Sasuke simply nods, watching Naruto leave the room. He closes the door and decides to take a bath. He feels sticky from getting sick. He turns on the taps and undresses, thinking about the events that unfolded the night before. He kissed Naruto and Naruto kissed him back. And then it was over. But with a few simple words, Sasuke can make it happen again. The question is… should he?

As the water fills the tub, he steps inside and sits. His head still hurts, but he doesn't feel like he can stomach even a sip of water. He's nauseous and these thoughts that keep chasing him are only making that nausea worse.

He cups his hand in the water and rinses his face. He sits in the bath until it gets cold and then he gets out, unplugging the drain. He towels off before throwing his clothes back on.

He spends the rest of the day lazing around until Naruto fetches him for a late supper. They eat with Gaara. The man smiles a lot more these days. Sasuke notices it. He can't help but remember fighting with him during the chuunin exams. He wasn't one for smiles back then. Gaara and Naruto talk business for the duration of dinner, speaking freely about the successes of their villages. Sasuke listens, zoning out as he picks at his food. By now, his hangover is gone but he still feels unwell. He's unsure what it's from this time, but something tells him it might be the kiss.

After they eat, Gaara walks them back. "You'll leave tomorrow morning?" he asks.

"Yeah," Naruto says with a nod.

"I'll see you off," Gaara promises.

When they part ways, Sasuke and Naruto make their way back to the inn. When Sasuke is about to say goodnight and return to his own room, the blond stops him.

"You're not going to proposition me?" he asks, leaning against the hallway wall and crossing his arms. For Naruto, it would be easy to give Sasuke what he wants, but he refuses to take a moment to contemplate why. "Take what you want, Sasuke. Isn't that what you always do?"

"Not anymore," Sasuke murmurs.

Naruto smiles a small smile. "All right," he says. "Goodnight, then." He turns around and enters his room, closing the door behind himself. He moves into his bathroom, drawing himself a bath and beginning to undress. Once bare, he stares down at himself. He wonders if this is how Sasuke wants to see him. Would that make Sasuke happy?

He gets in the bath and washes himself off. After finishing his nightly ritual, he returns to the room. The moon is shining in through the window, lighting up the space with a dim glow. Naruto grabs the bag he packed and takes a bottle of lotion, slowly rubbing it on his skin before getting in bed. He sleeps naked, crawling under the covers and just when he's settled, his door slides open.

"Sasuke…?" he asks, sitting up and squinting at the shadow of the familiar figure.

"Hn," the brunet grunts from the archway.

"Come here," Naruto whispers, holding out a hand. He had a feeling the brunet would be back.

Sasuke steps inside, closing the door and moving towards Naruto's futon. He kneels, staring at the blond's face in the dim light. Naruto stares back at him, gaging his movements. He looks stoic, terse and tight-jawed. Naruto decides to act first. He grabs Sasuke by the shirt, lying down and pulling the brunet with him. Sasuke hovers on top, looking blankly at the blond before closing the gap between their faces. Naruto parts his lips, letting Sasuke's tongue explore every inch of his mouth. Tonight, he takes comfort in the fact that he doesn't taste like liquor. He just tastes like Sasuke, something distantly familiar. Naruto touches him through his clothing, taking mild pleasure when the brunet moans into his mouth. He feels Sasuke grow hard in his hand, taking further pleasure from that in itself.

When Sasuke draws away, he reaches for the edge of his shirt, pulling it off and tossing it aside. Naruto watches him undress with a wanton look in his eyes. "Lie down," he instructs once Sasuke is naked.

Sasuke does so, watching the blond's movements as they switch positions. When he sees what the blond is about to do, he halts. "Naruto –!" he starts in quiet exclamation, only to be cut off.

"Shut up," Naruto demands before settling between Sasuke's legs. The brunet shudders when he feels Naruto's tongue flicking the tip of his erection and then he swallows, deeper and deeper. Sasuke gets lost in it – the heat of Naruto's mouth, warm and inviting.

And then it's gone. Naruto moves forward, sitting on Sasuke's abdomen. He reaches a hand into the bag lying next to the futon, grabbing the bottle of lotion. Opening the cap, he pours a generous amount into his palm and reaches a hand behind himself

"Naruto –" Sasuke starts once more.

"Shut up," the blond whispers harshly, flush-faced. "If you ask me if I'm sure I want this, I swear I'll hit you…" He puts a palm on Sasuke's chest, positioning himself. He slowly sinks onto Sasuke's laps, letting out a shuddery sigh. Sasuke watches him move. He does it with an ease that seems almost practiced. That surprises Sasuke. He can't help but wonder if this is his first time or not. Naruto lets his mouth fall open as his eyelids slip shut. He straddles the other man's hips, grinding down against him. Sasuke is mesmerized.

Naruto lets out a whiny moan, trying to stay as quiet as he can but he's always been loud in bed – even with Hinata. The entire time, Sasuke watches him. Naruto notices every time he opens his eyes. He knows he won't regret this, but somehow he still feels guilt. Clearly Sasuke senses it as he puts a hand on the blond's thigh and questions, "Naruto…?"

"Shut up…" Naruto whispers pleadingly, closing his eyes tightly. "Please, Sasuke… Just don't say anything…"

Sasuke sits up briskly, locking an arm around the blond and lying him down gently. For a minute, the two men are silent. Naruto wraps his legs around Sasuke. He opens his eyes slowly, staring up at the brunet, who stares back down. "I make you sad," Naruto says wetly.

"No," Sasuke promises as gently as he can. "You're one of the few damn things that make me happy."

"Okay," Naruto whispers, wrapping his arms around the other man's neck.

Sasuke leans down, pecking the blond on the lips briefly before he starts moving his hips. He watches Naruto writhe and moan beneath him and it's music to his ears… But all songs come to an end.

Naruto truly is a beautiful man. People always said Sasuke was the beautiful one, but these days, the blond is much softer than Sasuke ever was.

When it's over, they're both silent. The sounds of quiet panting fill the room. "I want to keep you," Sasuke confesses, and Naruto begins to cry. He puts a hand over his face, sobbing into his palm.

With a dull ache in his chest, Sasuke forces Naruto into a sitting position. The blond pulls him closer, pressing his face into the crook of the brunet's neck and continuing to cry. Sasuke holds him tightly, almost as though he's trying to hold him together at the same time… but he can't.

"Hinata can never know," Naruto whispers desperately. "Sh-she can't… She can't know that I… I…" he pauses, trailing off. These are thoughts he can never finish. But in the end, perhaps it doesn't matter that Naruto once felt the same way. It's too late now. They both made their choices long ago.

"She won't," Sasuke promises, rubbing a hand up and down Naruto's back. "She won't find out, Naruto. You don't have to cry." He tries to speak as gently as he can, but his voice is rough to most ears.

Naruto trembles, unable to tell the brunet that that's not why he's crying. In a way, he's mourning – mourning a love that never got to flourish, one that could have been so great. If Naruto says the words now, it wouldn't matter. They still could never be together. This much is all they'll ever have.

Naruto continues to cry until his tears have dried up, but still, Sasuke holds him through most of the night.

***

Come early morning, Naruto wakes up pressed against Sasuke. He feels safe and warm. He lets his eyes slip shut once more. He feels like he could stay like this. Forever. "Sasuke…?" he murmurs groggily.

"Mm?" the brunet grunts back.

"We should go," Naruto says softly.

"Mm…" Sasuke grunts again.

A moment later, the warmth disappears as Sasuke sits up. Naruto joins him. They're both still sticky from last night, so they decide to rinse of quickly before throwing their clothes back on. They pack up their belongings before leaving the inn.

The Kazekage meets them at the village's front gate, bidding them both a farewell. Naruto gives him another hug, while Sasuke simply nods. Then the two men begin to make their way home. The journey is long and the sun is beating down harshly, but neither of the men complains. In fact, neither of them says a word.

It's dim by the time they near Konoha and only then can Sasuke bring himself to speak. "Was that the first time you did something like that?" Sasuke asks. Naruto glances at him and gives him a sad smile, but he doesn't respond. "It wasn't my first time," Sasuke decides to continue, confessing to Naruto his darkest secret. "With a man, I mean…"

"Orochimaru?" Naruto pries quietly.

"For power…" Sasuke murmurs the mantra of his youth. "I took it with as much dignity as I could muster. It was my own choice."

Naruto nods weakly, staring down at the dirt. "For me… it wasn't. People hated me when I was little and they never hesitated to show it in the worst ways possible." He pauses, glancing back up at the brunet. "I never told anyone that before."

"Me neither," Sasuke admits in a whisper, "and… I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Likewise, Sasuke. Just because you said it was fine, it doesn't mean you enjoyed it… I guess we really do have all the bad things in common." Naruto smiles once more and it's just as bitter. Sasuke hates seeing the look on the sunny blond's face. It doesn't suit him at all. He'd like for Naruto's smiles to always be bright and warm and alive.

***

By the time they see the village gates, it's dark and their families are there waiting. Naruto holds up his hand, smiling and waving.

When they reach the gate, Himawari jumps into Naruto's arms. He spins her around before putting her down. He gives Bolt a pat on the head and then kisses Hinata. "Welcome back," she says.

Sasuke's reunion with Sakura and Sarada is much more unceremonious. He kisses the top of his daughter's head while pecking Sakura on the cheek, doing the things he knows he's supposed to do.

"How was the trip?" Sakura asks.

"Relaxing!" Naruto answers her first, smiling at Sasuke, who smiles in return. Sakura softens, nodding as she sees the warm look on her husband's face. Sarada sees it, too, but unlike her mother, it's a look she doesn't understand. All she knows is that her father looks happy and knowing that makes her happy as well.

Together, everyone makes their way back into the village and soon, the two families part ways.

***

"Did you have a good time?" Sakura asks Sasuke when they arrive home.

"Hn," he grunts.

"That means yes," Sarada supplies knowingly.

They all take off their shoes and move into the kitchen. Sarada gets herself a glass of water and announces that she's going to sleep.

"Goodnight," Sasuke and Sakura say in unison.

When Sakura hears her bedroom door shut, she decides to say what's been on her mind for the longest times – words that always get stuck. "You're not as good as hiding your emotions as you used to be," she calls him out.

Sasuke raises an eyebrow at the sudden statement, glancing at his wife. "What are you talking about?"

"I know you don't love me," Sakura admits, smiling sadly. Sasuke tries to interrupt her and deny it, but she cuts him off, holding up her hand. "At least, not the way I want you to. I think I've always known but I pretended otherwise. I was just happy you gave me this much of yourself… but that's just it, isn't it? You gave me your body, but your soul was light years away. So, I know you don't love me, Sasuke. It's okay. You try and you try… but you can't help the way you feel. I know the love you feel for me is different than the love I feel for you… and I suppose I've always known that but I kept clinging to you like the way you clung to revenge. If we didn't have a daughter, I would admit it's time for me to let go… but we can't do that to her, can we?"

"No," Sasuke whispers in agreement.

"I've pined after you for so long… and when you chose me I thought it was because you wanted me," she says quietly, "but perhaps it's because you couldn't have who you truly wanted, so you settled." There are tears in Sakura's eyes as she speaks. When she blinks, they begin to fall.

Sasuke reaches forward and brushes them away. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I've made you cry again."

She shakes her head. "I feel sad for you, Sasuke," she says evenly. "Sometimes I wonder why you never went after the person you wanted to be with… but then I think I know. I think I've always known deep down. People would look at you differently if you said it out loud. It's cruel, isn't it? Love is beautiful, but if you don't love the right way you're treated like a leper. I don't blame you for pretending to be in love with me. I understand why you did it." A pause. "It's Naruto, isn't it?" she asks.

"What?" Sasuke hisses out sharply.

"Don't lie to me," Sakura whispers, her voice growing harsh. "You're different when he's in the room. You smile at him… He makes you happy… so much happier than I ever could. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. I know you always tried not to talk about him around me and maybe that's why – because you were worried I'd figure it out. You were worried you'd slip up."

"I'm sorry," Sasuke apologizes. He feels like apologies have been spilling out a lot lately – more than ever before.

"It was never about me, was it?" Sakura laughs sadly. "It was never about anyone else. It was only ever about you and Naruto. For years and years… It was you and Naruto, 'til the very end. This was your story. Maybe it was a love story, but we all missed it. Soul mates. There wasn't truly room for anyone else in there, but somehow I wormed my way into your life. Perhaps it's only because Naruto fell in love with Hinata, but maybe there was a time when he was in love with you, too."

"I don't know," Sasuke admits quietly. It's something he doesn't want to contemplate. It will only make things that much more unbearable.

Offhandedly, Sakura whispers, "I don't want a divorce."

Sasuke nods. He didn't think she would. And even so… "We have responsibilities now," he says. "We aren't children anymore. It's too late for anything else. Just like you said… we can't do this to Sarada. For her, I'll try harder."

"Sometimes I feel like you've never truly been a child," Sakura murmurs. "Naruto, too. It's not fair, is it?"

"It doesn't matter what is and isn't fair," Sasuke murmurs. "Life isn't supposed to be fair. It's a lesson – a lesson that people like me have to learn the hard way."

And that's just it. By now, Sasuke has learned that lesson, but it's still too late. You don't always end up with the one you want – with the one you're supposed to. He has responsibilities now and a daughter he can't abandon.

Sasuke fetches a bottle of alcohol from the cupboard and Sakura doesn't chastise him. Instead, they sit down and, for the first time, she joins him. "You'll always be the most important person in his life," she offers. "Whether or not he sees it and admits it… That doesn't change how he feels inside."

Sasuke smiles bitterly, pouring her a drink before pouring himself one. "I know," he says.

So, he picks up the glass and raises it to his lips, drinking until he's no longer shaking.

  
**Fin.**  



End file.
